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September 08, 2005

The City That Sleeps

The way I have my desk set-up in the new house is perfect for encouraging me to sketch in idle moments when I'm thinking or otherwise being generally unemployed (yes, jobs are on my mind a lot right now). I've always been drawn to the image of a city at night; the shapes and dramatic lighting fascinate and excite my emotions.

The sketching is gradually improving almost a year on from when I decided to restart sketching and brought a whole bunch of fresh materials. A lot of higher priority things got in the way of my drawing ambition but I've hung on in there and drawn things throughout the year. I'll aim to do more.

I was generally in a bit of a useless TIZZ last night and this morning, got a bit over stressed by the whole employment search. Its easy to feel like the whole process is outside of your control, which can then become demoralising when things remain unchanged. At around mid day I relaxed a bit, made myself a nice cooked lunch, did a little bit of drawing and managed to take back some of that control by re-emailing the people I have contacted about jobs and tuning up my CV for some other kinds of work.

I've pretty much decided that my future lies in making games, but with my lack of experience and the difficulty of getting started in the industry it seems likely I'll have to take on some other kind of work in the meantime. Most of my proudest achievements however relate to the making of games in some way so the CV has required some highly creative editing.

I seem to have now gained coding control over my long running Half-Life 2 mod project so I shall be using that to brush up my C++ game programming skills while I hit refresh on my email account and glance anxiously phone-wards.


September 05, 2005

The Big Flake

Today I at last finished moving into my new home in Leamington Spa. With all the moving around I've been doing it feels like I've barely been living here, despite collecting the keys around three weeks ago. Now though its sinking in; phase one completed in the master plan, university is over and I've truly moved away from the family home. The safety net is gone and, along with my companions in Fort Awesome, Real Life™ must begin.

Phase two of the plan is to find a way of surviving (producing the hard cash) that I enjoy and this is likely to take considerably longer. I think many less than perfect jobs will have to be endured and discarded as I search for that holy grail. My current dream is to make money from designing indie computer games and selling them through a web portal. The problem with this plan is its very risky and provides no immediate cash injection of which I am sorely in need. Yet I suspect I will make moves in that direction anyway, while searching for something else with the other hand. What I am at core is a dreamer, I live in my own mind for a large part of my life and I want to bring these dreams to life. I'm not bothered by having large amounts of money. I'm not going to be a banker in the city. I just want to get by well enough and make challenging, groundbreaking, critically acclaimed entertainment.

I also want a robot.

I wonder what phase three is though? If I achieved the dream; what next? Is there something else to do?

Schopenhauer described life as being a cycle of desire, fleeting satisfaction and boredom. I guess for me I could satisfy myself by continually improving my creative output, maybe one day saving up enough cash to build my own house (with robots). Then I can retire and open that pub (non-smoking, no kids, no food – I figure we'll all need some way of making money in retirement plus I like sitting around in pubs). At weekends I will draw. Or maybe I won't, I'm not sure I like planning that far ahead. Makes life less exciting, If I stick to it I've already surrendered control of my life to a plan, I'll be stuck doing these things. Maybe I'll keep it loose instead, just go with what the mood takes. Make sure I'm enjoying myself all the time, that kind of basic stuff.

I'm always meaning to write more blogs; I've planned loads in my mind. There is the hillarious Jehovah's Witness Leaflet Parody Entry, The Entry In Which I Draw Your Attention To The Work Of Always Black and The Entry In Which I Explain The Educational Power Of Wikis. I think I'll have to come clean and just admit to being a flake, these entries will never get made. I'd just rather be doing other things, or else I would have done them.

Then again…


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