All entries for Saturday 23 April 2005

Analysis of the Ringtone Market

I've finally become resistant to those sickening ringtone commercials that fill ad breaks on television these days, but one thing still bothers me. Now I know that the existence of any product is because of market forces. People – more precisely, idiots – want to buy these things, for reasons of their own, which is fair enough. This accounts for demand. Over on the supply side, there has to be someone with the money-making idea in the first place.

But, while the Crazy Frog apparently started out as someone doing an impression of a racing car, becoming an internet sensation and inspiring someone to fleece the retards caught up in the sensation (and inadvertently stoking the homicidal fires inside the rest of the population), I ask: where is the logical foundation for Sweety the Chick? Who the fuck came up with this insult to human civilisation? Why did someone think a 3D cartoon bird singing an offensively twee 'song' would be a profitable idea? How could they know? It makes no sense. The only rational explanation I can offer is that Sweety is the work of the Devil.

Daniel Wilson Craw : 23 Apr 2005 15:07 |  Comments (4) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Vote Qualitas

Well, seeing as everyone who's anyone is running for Parliament, I decided to step into the fray with my very own party, Qualitas.

So what can Qualitas offer you, the voter? Basically, Quality, Not Quantity – our slogan and guiding principle, which underlies our policies:

We promise Quality Not Quantity in Education. We will ensure that our resources focus on producing excellence in schools. Bright students will be given everything they need to learn and develop, while any child who steps out of line will be written off.

We promise Quality Not Quantity in Health. The goals of the NHS will be changed so that rather than trying to treat as many patients as possible, we will concentrate out resources on a lucky few patients and make sure they are as well as possible, instead of simply letting them go home after rudimentary care only for them to return with yet more ailments.

We promise Quality Not Quantity in Law and Order. It's not about how many policemen we recruit but how well they do their jobs. We will look into creating a new breed of so-called Robocops. It's not about building more prisons but making the ones we have better. They're horrible places at the moment – we will start a refurbishment of Britain's prisons.

We promise Quality Not Quantity in Immigration and Asylum. We don't need loads of immigrants and asylum seekers, we only need the best there is to offer. Our policies will ensure that people entering our country are of the highest calibre. [um, isn't that essentially what the other parties are promising? Ed.]

We promise Quality Not Quantity in Defence. We don't need all these soldiers. We don't even need nuclear weapons which kill all those people. The quality of the people our country kills is what counts – our defence policy will focus on murdering the leaders of Britain's enemies. We will scrap the armed forces as they exist and replace them with the all-new CIA*.

So for Quality, Not Quantity, vote Qualitas on May the 5th.

For more information, drop into our campaign headquarters to be found where else but the Quality Hotel, nr. Kenilworth, Warks.

*Covert International Assassins

Daniel Wilson Craw : 23 Apr 2005 14:30 |  Tags: Politics |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem