March 28, 2008

Playing with Rhythm

Another play with rhythm, with an obviously rhythmic subject.

.......... 

Rise in me

and fall in me

pressing me

and following.

Breath full throat

and gasps on skin

sweating out

for gulping in.

Rise in me

and fall in me

racing heartbeats

for their peaks

squeezing down

into the sheets

pupils fat

with body things

limbing round

and stammering.

Sings in the throes, and he noses her hollow throat bones so long in the echoes of collapse.


- 3 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Hey, Charles. In the best ‘you-comment-on-my-poem-I’ll-comment-on-yours’ tradition, I noticed you’d put some new stuff up. This is interesting to me…well, obviously first of all because I’m a man, etc, etc…but secondly because you’re taking such an uncontrolled theme and using it to work rhythm and structure…which I think helps it a lot because it means your sex poem isn’t just, to excuse the expression, splurging. ‘Body things’ is nice and…well, protoplasmic, I guess, but in a nice visceral way. The last line I’m not so keen on, cause I reckon the tight structure really keeps all your verbage of thrust and motion taut and together…and then suddenly at the end you let go and the final line (including ‘noses her throat bones’ incidentally which I think is great) just bursts. Subjective…but mebbe helpful to you. Hope things are fine in Devon (or Dorset? which wind-swept county is it again?) x

    29 Mar 2008, 16:26

  2. charlie jones

    Devon, and theres nothing out there but a hurricane….I agree that the last line does ‘let go’ and ‘bursts’ but I will blushingly own that it was meant to be climactic in more ways than one. Can’t control the uncontrolled theme forever! Perhaps if I include it though, I ought to be diplomatic, and make the entire poem longer. xxx

    29 Mar 2008, 18:09

  3. Much as I like the ryhthm, I think perhaps it would work better with breif gasps of chaos breaking out of the tight form and then reigned back in – a sort of hopeless collapse. Or something.

    Your blog is very white.

    30 Mar 2008, 12:13


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  • Charlie! you filthy filthy girl! Still, all this is very amazing. well done :) didn't see you over e… by Adam on this entry
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