April 22, 2005

Leave me alone, you sweaty man!

Well hello, Sailor!

Following a demoralising few weeks of realising that the female race has resolutely amassed and united themselves in opposition to me and my fellow housemates, last night we decided that if you can't beat ’em (and let's face it, that's laid down quite specifically in law), you might as well join ’em. And so, off we trotted to the pumping paradise that is the delectable Rainbow's somewhere deep in the shady outskirts of Coventry.

Now, I consider myself a cosmopolitan kind of guy, I really do. I'm a lefty, liberal, hippy-type sunnovabitch. Without even thinking about it I’d imagine that probably half my friends bat for the other team and, truth be told, I’m not entirely closed off to the idea that the person I end up schlepping my life away with may not be of the opposite gender to me. However, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. And that somewhere is getting hit on by a sweaty 40-year-old slaphead with a face like a prune.

I was reliably informed while leaving the house last night in the patented ‘red T-shirt/ black long-sleeved shirt over wirey torso’ combo that I would quite probably make some strapping some lad’s night in a ripe-for-the-picking, just-turned-16 Queer As Folk sort of way. Unfortunately, having never braved the wonders of this sort of environment before, I was blissfully unaware of the apparently commonplace incident which was to occur when I innocently wandered into the shitter to take a casual whiz.

While evacuating my bladder (paying special attention to the patented ‘more than three shakes is a wank’ maxim), I became distinctly aware of a lascivious gaze being thrown in my direction by a member of this so-called ‘gay community’. Upon draining the weasel and zipping up, I was then accosted by a man who can only be described as oily at best and kill-yourself greasy at worst.

Shirt unbuttoned to his no doubt heavily scuzz-filled navel to reveal a ludicrously fake-tanned chest, he motioned to my red attire and blustered, “Ooh! Are you Daredevil?!”. Not quite getting the logic but feeling the warm glow that occasionally arises from connecting spontaneously with a complete stranger, I chirpily (and mistakenly) replied “Yes, that’s me. I’m Daredevil”. EH-ERRRRR!, as the buzzer says on Family Fortunes. “Well then”, he countered, gripping my wrist and drawing me towards him, his scaly tongue snaking back and forth between his slimy lips; “Let’s see you be daring then!”

“Not fucking likely!” I replied, viciously assaulting him with my brutal 200-pound frame (actually, I politely turned down his advances and shook off the physical imposition before hotfooting it out of there quicker than you could say “Wake-up call from God”). Frankly, the only way to shake the distinctly uncomfortable feeling somewhere in the depths of my colon was to get hideously trashed, compliment Jon from Pride on his rather fetching skirt and start pounding the floor to the sound of a ridiculously speeded-up version of tATu’s All the Things She Said.

Mind you, it could've been worse. Eim ended up going home with some frumplike loony tune who started screaming “No! No! – I love it!” while hitting her repeatedly during sex. Guh.

A great night, all things considered, and I'd certainly go back again. See you at the Glitter Ball, kids!


- 19 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Milly

    Ahh toilets, they are great aren't they. Over the past two terms I have regularly had advances thrown my way in the Union toilets, usually something along the lines of "Hey, weren't you WCC (not anything to do with a water closet, or any other closet), yeah I've seen your picture, don't you live with Giles, you having a good night out, I'm going to the bar, would you like a drink?"

    It would be fine if they waited till I came out of the cubicle.

    22 Apr 2005, 12:43

  2. oh, god…
    it's all true

    22 Apr 2005, 12:51

  3. I tried to warn you guys… this is what happens when no one listens to me.

    22 Apr 2005, 12:56

  4. my favourite bit was when she said 'i didn't tell you to come.'

    i nearly cried.

    22 Apr 2005, 13:00

  5. Carter

    But that ain't the way to have fun… son!

    22 Apr 2005, 13:10

  6. Ricky

    Christ, Carter…I can't believe you fell for the 'Daredevil' line. That's the oldest trick in the book.

    22 Apr 2005, 14:18

  7. Gordon

    If I only I found it so easy to pull. I've obviously been doing something wrong.

    22 Apr 2005, 14:23

  8. Carter

    Yes, Gordon dear boy (girl?), I can probably think of a few things…

    22 Apr 2005, 16:28

  9. Gordonette

    Please, enlighten me. Any advice is welcome – although if it involves sweaty men and toilets I'm not doing it.

    22 Apr 2005, 16:51

  10. Tee hee

    22 Apr 2005, 18:06

  11. Back in my home town of Shitney, West Oxfordshire, I was accosted while in the gents by a Bill Nighy lookalike, who, as I unzipped my fly, politely asked if he could watch me. Needless to say, I politely refused.

    22 Apr 2005, 19:27

  12. Trixie

    Oh Rainbows… how I miss it. And it's quite scary DJs and their even scarier box of 'tunes'.

    Good to see you back Mr C

    23 Apr 2005, 03:27

  13. Indeed, Carter, I didn't know you had returned! And what a return!

    Thanks for the Power Ballads, by the way, sorry if I was a wee bit tipsy by the end!

    24 Apr 2005, 16:59

  14. 200 pounds Carter (shake of the head), 200 pounds…

    25 Apr 2005, 16:09

  15. Carter

    Barker, what in the name of Jehovah are you slobbering on about? Is that how much you paid the bloke in question to hit on you in a bid to improve your sexability rating as a gay icon?! You've been short-changed…

    25 Apr 2005, 18:11

  16. Ed

    Despite pissing off everyone I know by being a drunken loon post exams at a rather grubby leamington house party, I stick my head above the parapet again and offer this pearl of wisdom:

    The man in the first picture of this entry looks uncannily like 'Camp costcutter man'...

    29 May 2005, 02:54

  17. omg the camp costcutter man served me yesterday!

    i agree wholeheartedly with ur pearl of wisdom.

    uncanny indeed.

    01 Jun 2005, 09:20

  18. Carter

    Well if you enjoyed that experience, you may enjoy this… link

    01 Jun 2005, 20:19

  19. k

    i like the scary face

    07 Mar 2007, 09:28


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