All entries for Thursday 28 October 2004

October 28, 2004

A DJ's revenge on the hapless fuckwittery of punters.

Good day to you all.

Following another night of inane punter twattery while DJ-ing, I have decided to vent my spleen on the subject in vengeful style. The following represents a selection of the kind of comments the average Union DJ faces throughout the course of an evening. The hypothetical answers posted represent the most appropriate response to the enquiry which would, in a just world, be uttered on-the-spot and direct to the aforesaid punter's face.

I have also included pictoral representations of what I feel would be the most appropriate means with which one might take care of the problem.

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SCENARIO 1.1

Punter: "Yeah mate, can you play something good?"
DJ: "Firstly, I'm not your mate. I never have been. I never will be. Secondly, what could possibly make you think that phrasing your question in such a blatantly antagonistic and insulting manner would endear you or your cause to me? Go fuck yourself."

SCENARIO 1.2

Punter: "Yeah mate, can you play something good?"
DJ: [seething] "...Such as…?"
Punter: "I dunno. Something good."
DJ: "...Such as…?
Punter: "Anything that's not this."
DJ: "Go fuck yourself".

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SCENARIO 2.1

Punter: "Yeah mate, have you got any R'n'B?"
DJ: "Certainly, sir. What would you like? John Lee Hooker? Buddy Guy? How about some Muddy Waters?"
Punter: [blank expression]
DJ: "Oh I'm sorry, was that not what you had in mind?"

SCENARIO 2.2

Punter: "Yeah mate, have you got any R'n'B?"
DJ: "...Such as…?
Punter: "I dunno. Commercial stuff."
DJ: "...Such as…?"
Punter: "I dunno, like, Beyonce or something."
DJ: "Wow, thanks for that inspired suggestion. I would genuinely never have thought to play Beyonce at a full-Union party event."
Punter: "So you'll play it, yeah?"
DJ: "You're an idiot".

SCENARIO 2.3

Punter: "Yeah mate, have you got any R'n'B?"
DJ: "If I had my way, I wouldn't touch that shit with a fucking bargepole. Fuck off back to Soul Nation, you cretinous philestine".
Punter: "What about The One and Only by Chesney Hawkes with a shout out to Rootes 3rd Floor Massive then?"
DJ: "It's only quarter past nine. Chesney Hawkes is a last half-hour song. And you're only about the 700th person to ask me that so far."
Punter: "So you'll do my request and shout in the next five minutes, yeah?"
DJ: "You're an idiot".

SCENARIO 2.4 - during the inevitable R'n'B section:

Punter: "Mate, can you play something a bit more alternative?"
DJ: "...Such as…?"
Punter: "Maroon 5."
DJ: "You honestly have no interest in music whatsoever, do you?"

SCENARIO 2.5

Punter: "Yeah mate, can you play Justin Timberlake?"
DJ: "I just played him two minutes ago"
Punter: "Yeah, so play him again."
DJ: "You're an idiot".

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SCENARIO 3.1 - at Crash

Punter: "Yeah mate, have you got any R'n'B?"
DJ: "No".
Punter: "Why not?"
DJ: "This is Crash. It's a night for Indie, Rock and Alternative music".
Punter: "Yeah, but can you play some R'n'B?"
DJ: "You're an idiot".

SCENARIO 3.2 - at Crash

Punter: "Yeah mate, can you play the entirety of Lateralus by Tool?"
DJ: "If you look at the dancefloor, it's completely full. Were I to play even the first two minutes of a Tool song, it would clear within seconds and probably take about 20 minutes to fill back up again. It is my job to keep the dancefloor packed, so no."
Punter: "Oh come on, you know everyone'd love it!"
DJ: "No, they wouldn't. Nor would they think much of your previous request for Norwegian death metal. However, I do think you're really clever for requesting both of them – honest."
Punter: "I could do your fucking job."
DJ: "No, if you think that's the way to work an audience and structure a playlist, you couldn't."
Punter: "How about some Burzum or Agoraphobic Nosebleed?"
DJ: "No. The societies cater to the minority tastes, Crash caters for the majority."
Punter: "But it's my 21st!"
DJ: "Go fuck yourself".

SCENARIO 3.3 - at Crash in Coventry:

Punter: "Yeah mate, can you play some Billy Talent?"
DJ: "But of course, sir! What a sterling request! It would be my pleasure!"
Punter: "Yeah, but do it in the next five minutes, cos I'm going to Ikon."
DJ: "Why on Earth would you want to go to somewhere that plays music you don't like when you could stay here and listen to music you clearly do like?"
Punter: "I don't know."
DJ: "You're an idiot".

SCENARIO 3.4 - at Crash in Coventry

Punter: "Yeah mate, can you play some Oasis?"
DJ: "I just played them one record ago"
Punter: "Yeah, but I wasn't here then."
DJ: "Where were you?"
Punter: "At Ikon."
DJ: "You're an idiot".