All entries for Saturday 23 October 2004

A salute to The 80s Hard–Rock Power–Ballad Soundtrack Song

Upon compiling a batch of CDs to assist me in my quest for Union DJ glory, I realised that there was one glaring omission in the 1980s section, a void which has yet to be filled at Union events: The 80s Hard-Rock Power-Ballad Soundtrack Song.

Now we're not talking power-ballads of the Celine Dion, Cutting Crew or even Foreigner variety here, all of which would fit nicely into your average Score (okay, maybe not Celine Dion, but give 'em a few vats of Purple and I'm sure they wouldn't object). No no – we're talking about those songs which could only soundtrack a montage in an 1980s film due to the glaringly obvious relationship between the lyrics and their accompanying images. Prime examples being…

1) "Scarface (Push It to the Limit)" by Giorgio Moroder and Paul Engemann (from Brian De Palma's Scarface, 1983)

Partway through the film, De Palma makes adroit use of cinematic shorthand to fill in the blanks regarding significant developments in the life of slovenly, bad-shirted Cuban mobster Tony Montana. These include his marriage to Michelle Pfeiffer's daftly-named coke-hoovering moll Elvira, and the frankly ludicrous accumulation of wealth which arises from his burgeoning drug empire. Naturally however (this being, above all else, a cautionary tale), the appalling cheese depicted is undercut by the song's ominous lyrics, which can be transcribed as follows:

Engemann (in over-earnest power-rock voice): "Push it to the limit!"

Female backing singers: "The limiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Engemann: "Walk along the razor's edge! Don't look down, just keep your head or you'll be finished! …Open up the limit"

Female backing singers: "The limiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Engemann: Past the point of no return, you've reached the top but still you gotta learn how to keep iiiiiit! (Contemplative pause)
…Hit the wheel and double the stakes, throttle wide open like a bat out of hell, and you crash the gates".

Female backing singers: "Crash the gaaaaaaates!"

(Etc, etc. It should be noted that towards the end of the song, Engemann breaks into an ear-splitting falsetto which truly does push it to the limit, and possibly even beyond).

This song also comes slap-bang in the middle of a soundtrack which contains several tunes designed to allow the characters to take part in another bizarre ritual of the period: The 80s Dance (you know the one - shaggy pseudo-mullets swinging briskly as the protagonist claps buoyantly from side-to-side. Think Courtney Cox in the video for Bruce Springsteen's Dancing In the Dark).

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2) "Win In the End" by Mark Safan (from Rod Daniel's Teen Wolf, 1985)

So you're a sub-standard High School basketball player who inexplicably becomes a lycanthrope, right? And then everyone starts to like you but your popularity alienates your true friends, right? Logically, the only way you can reassert your identity and prove yourself is to play an important basketball fixture as the nerd inside rather than your shit-hot furry counterpart – and of course, the only way to score the triumph and desperation of this climactic tie is with a hard-rock power-ballad. Just some of those majestic Safan lyrics:

"I was down to zero / Still an unsung hero / Waiting for my ship to come to shore…

I stood empty handed / Like a seagull stranded / Watching all the other seagulls soar… (nb. Perhaps a rather duff choice of metaphor on Safan's part there).

I was blinded by the pain / Running wild through the rain / In a parody of ecstasy…

I was inches from the edge / Fingers clinging to the ledge / I never thought I'd win…

[Triumphant chorus]:
Wiiiiiiiiiin – in the end!
I'm gonna win in the end!
Wiiiiiiiiiin – in the end!
I'm gonna win in the end!

Got to keep my cool / I am not the fool / Everyone expects to play me for…

I could change the pattern / Steal a ring from Saturn / Forge myself into a man-of-war…

I am equal to the task / I won't hide behind the mask / What you see is what you'll get from me…

I am stronger than they think / They can force me to the brink / But now I know I'll win…

[Repeat bridge and chorus to glorious fade].

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Now quite what a "parody of ecstasy" is, I'll never know. And whether or not NASA would be happy about him stealing a ring from Saturn is another matter entirely. However, the sentiment stands firm, and its pounding rhetoric is an inspiration to us all.

80s Hard-Rock Power-Ballad Soundtrack Songs – I salute you. The limiiiiiiit!

: 23 Oct 2004 19:29 |  Tags: Inane Drivel |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Today's third guest blogger: Ken Bigley

"According to the publicity material around campus, the blog is mightier than the sword. Well I beg to differ, frankly!"

[Oh come on, you're laughing on the inside...]

: 23 Oct 2004 18:37 |  Tags: Inane Drivel |  Comments (13) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Today's second guest blogger: Elvis Presley (The Burger Years)

"Hey Priscilla! Make mine a double-breasted beefsteak with extra cow-juice. Aliddullessconvuhsayshun, aliddulmoreactionplis!

Now pass the Tabascasauce, man, I'm off to croak it on the shitter".

: 23 Oct 2004 18:29 |  Tags: Inane Drivel |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Today's guest blogger: Elvis Presley

"Readinmahblog? …YEWAIN'NUTHINBUDDAHOWANDDAWG-UH!

– Thangyouverymuch!".

: 23 Oct 2004 18:14 |  Tags: Inane Drivel |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Obligatory bus rant / "Pop Quiz, Hotshot": a Stagecoach retelling of the 'Speed' legend

FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING EYE, STAGECOACH! YOU HAVE ONE JOB TO DO ON THE X12 ROUTE DURING SATURDAY AFTERNOONS - ONE!!! - AND THAT'S PROVIDE A BUS FROM SYDENHAM AT 47 & 17 MINUTES PAST THE HOUR! DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!! DON'T SEND A CUNTING BUS AT 04-PAST WHICH STOPS AT THE TOP OF THE PARADE, GIVE ME ONE AT THE DESIGNATED TIME THAT'LL GET ME INTO WORK SOMETIME WITHIN MY SHIFT, YE WORTHLESS GOD-FORSAKEN SHITEHERDERS!!! FRANKLY, I COULD HOP ON THE BACK ON MY GRANDMA AND GET TO UNI QUICKER, AND SHE HAD A STROKE 8 YEARS AGO AND HAS BEEN WHEELCHAIR-BOUND EVER SINCE!!! CUUUNNNTTTSSS!!!

[Breathy pause while thropping temple subsides].

Okay. So now that I've got that off my chest, does anyone remember the film 'Speed'? You know, bomb on the bus, if it goes under 50mph the bomb will explode? Keanu Reeves attempting to convey a sense of peril on a face designed only for expressions of the "Dude!" variety?

Well, I hereby present my Stagecoach-themed retelling of the classic myth.

"SPEED" (note: inverted commas denote irony, not title)

[Scene: the X12 bus on a typical Saturday afternoon].

Keanu: "Excuse me, Ma'am – why is this bus stopping at the top of the Parade?"

Sandra: "Uh, gee sir, y'know, we only go as far as the top of the Parade so as to cause maximum inconvenience to all and sundry!"

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Keanu: "My ass, babe – I've waited three days in the pissing rain and we're going the whole way. Now take me to the goddamn campus, you sorry corporate lackey!"

[When the request is refused, Keanu shoots Sandra Bullock - thus triumphantly saving the world from numerous bad movies about wayward chicks "finding themselves" - before stepping off the moving vehicle and shooting out one of the tyres. Naturally, the entire bus then explodes due to it being a rickety sack of shite. A nearby payphone rings].

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Keanu: "Hello?"

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Dennis Hopper: "Hey maaaaaan - I've been waitin' for ya. Pop quiz, hotshot - there's a bomb on the next Stagecoach. If the bus goes below 50, the bomb goes off. If anyone tries to get off, I make the fucker blow. Whaddayoudo? Whaddayoudo?!"

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Keanu: "Shit me, this is too good to miss! I may actually get where I want to go on time for once – to the Parish Church!"

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[Once onboard...]

Keanu: "Sandra Bullock? I thought I killed you off!"

Sandra: "So did the studio. But I have my own production company now and if I want them to make Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood 2: She Loves You, Ya-Ya-Ya then I had to agree to appear at least twice in this dreadful rehash!"

Keanu: "Never mind that now – there's a bomb on the bus! If it goes below 50, the whole thing's gonna go up in smoke! Now put the pedal to the metal and let's haul ass!"

Sandra: "Sorry mate, we're going a round-about route which includes lots of unnecessarily tight bends, tree-branch flyovers which repeatedly twat the windows on the top deck and scare the bejesus out of everyone, and stopping halfway for me to have a fag. Now let me just take this corner".

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On both decks, no-one bats an eyelid.

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Sandra: "That's better. Now please take a seat sir, we'll be at our intended destination sometime within the day".

Keanu: "Dammit man, you don't understand! If you slow down now then we'll all…"

Sandra: "Sorry mate, it's in my contract. Nothing above 20".

Keanu: "No, but it's imperative that you…"

[Fin].

: 23 Oct 2004 17:32 |  Tags: Inane Drivel |  Comments (18) |  Close comments |  Report a problem