All entries for Friday 22 July 2005

July 22, 2005

"Let us quote", as the good lord once said…

Now then, now then...

Don't you just hate it when magazines run lists of the all-time greatest movie quotes and just get it all wrong? You know the drill - you start fingering their crisp, seductive pages with the highest of hopes but before long they're giving you "I coulda been a contender", "Are you talkin' to me?!" and "Here's looking at you, kid" with all the imagination of a pre-op Charley from Flowers For Algernon. Well, no more!

Here they are, kids – the real bad-boys, the only ones you'll ever need, the zingers that escaped the tastemakers but have somehow entered into pop-culture lore on the sly (plus a couple from Problem Child). Peruse, divulge, enjoy and – of course – regurgitate them endlessly until they basically lose all meaning and simply become another part of your everyday lexis.

In alphabetical order, according to title…

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

President Marshall (Harrison Ford): "Get – off – my – plane!"

(from Air Force One, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Capt. Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves): "Joey… have you ever been in a Turkish prison?"

(from Airplane!, 1978)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Ash (Ian Holm): "You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? A perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility."

(from Alien, 1979)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale): (to two bemused hookers) "Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album - 'Duke'. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy. Too intellectual. It was on 'Duke' where, ah, Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think 'Invisible Touch' is the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility, yet at the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums.

– Christy, take off your robe.

Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument.

– Sabrina, remove your dress.

In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, and sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to 'Land of Confusion'. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. 'In Too Deep' is the most moving pop song of the 1980s about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting; and lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, ah, anything I've heard in rock.

– Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.

Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial, and therefore more satisfying in a narrower way. Especially songs like 'In the Air Tonight' and, ha! 'Against All Odds'.

– Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it.

But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group than as a solo artist – and I stress the word, artist. This is 'Sussudio'. A great, great song. A personal favourite…"

(from American Psycho, 2000)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Defence Counsel Arthur Kirkland (Al Pacino): "That man is guilty! That man, there, that man is a slime! He is a slime! If he's supposed to go free, then something really wrong is goin' on here!"
Judge Rayford (Jack Warden): "Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order!"
Kirkland: You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole trial is out of order! (Then, while being dragged out of court by police officers) …I just completed my opening statement!"

(from ...And Justice For All, 1979)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Capt. Willard (Martin Sheen): "Charging someone with murder in this place was like arresting someone for speeding at the Indy 500…"

(from Apocalyse Now, 1979)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Austin Powers (Mike Myers): "You didn't happen to see..." (Observing blind man's white stick) "...Anything at all."

(from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Buford Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson): "Manure… I hate manure!"

(from Back to the Future Part III, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Coop (Trey Parker): "I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!"
Reemer (Matt Stone): "Dude!"
Coop: "Dude!"
Reemer: "Dude!"
Coop: "Dude!"
Reemer: "Dude!"
[Coop looks shocked]
Reemer: "Dude..."
Coop: "...I see your point."

(from BASEketball, 1998)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

The Joker (Jack Nicholson): "Never rub another man's rhubarb!"

(from Batman, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Serge (Bronson Pinchot): "Ack-well?! – Ackwell Fo-leeey?!"

(from Beverly Hills Cop III, 1994)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Elderly Woman (Robyn Hilton): (While being punched repeatedly by thugs) "Have you ever seen such cruelty?!"

Also:

Governor William J. LePetomane (Mel Brooks): "Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph! – Hey! I didn't get a 'harrumph' out of that guy!"

Also:

Buddy Bizarre (Dom DeLuise): "Cut, cut, this is a closed set!"
Taggart (Slim Pickens): "Piss on you – I'm working for Mel Brooks!"

Also:

Sheriff Bart (Cleavon Little): (To two members of the KKK) "Hey, where are all the white women at?!"

(from Blazing Saddles, 1974)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Banky Edwards (Jason Lee): "Now that, my friend – is a 'shared moment'."

(from Chasing Amy, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

President Bennett (Donald Moffatt): "How dare you come in here and lecture me! I am the President of the United States!"
Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford): "How dare you, sir…"

(from Clear and Present Danger, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Alex (Malcolm McDowell): "I was cured, all right..."

(from A Clockwork Orange, 1971)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey): "Alright, alright, alright! I love those redheads!"

(from Dazed and Confused, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood): "When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy."
Mayor (John Vernon): "Intent? How did you establish that?"
Callahan: "Well, when a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he ain't out collecting for the Red Cross…"

(from Dirty Harry, 1971)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Mister Senor Love Daddy (Samuel L. Jackson): "Whoa! Y'all take a chill! You got to cool that shit off! And that's the double-truth, Ruth!"

(from Do the Right Thing, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Pep Streebeck (Tom Hanks): "Well, Muzz – I guess it just you, and me… your balls… and this drawer."

(from Dragnet, 1987)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx): (Singing) "If any form of pleasure is exhibited / Report to me and it will be prohibited / I put my foot down, so shall it be – this is the land of the free! / The last man nearly ruined this place, he didn't know what to do with it / If you think this country's bad off now, just wait til I get through with it!"

(from Duck Soup, 1933)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Peg Boggs (Dianne Wiest): (Applying make-up to Edward) "The light-concealing cream goes on first... and then you blend, and blend, and blend. Blending is the secret. Mm-hm... More concealing cream... You know, your complexion is so fair... that this is a touch of lavender in it! Let's give it a try here... close enough. Okay, this should do the trick here... (Observing his purple face) Huh... - I have another idea. We'll cover up the scars, and start with a completely smooth surface. (Wrestling with stodgy concoction) ...Darn this stuff…!"

(from Edward Scissorhands, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lucas (Rory Cochrane): (Upon losing the day's takings at a roulette table) "I wonder if I'll be held responsible for this?!"

(from Empire Records, 1996)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

John Kruger (Arnold Schwarzenegger): (To an alligator he's just blown away) " – You're luggage!"

(from Eraser, 1996)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

D-Fens (Michael Douglas): " - I'm the bad guy?!"

(from Falling Down, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Nicholas Pike (Michael Nader): "Who are you? Where did you come from?"
The Flash (John Wesley Shipp): "I came from you, Pike! You made me..."

(from The Flash, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) "I'm not trying to solve a puzzle here, Richard."
Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford): "Well I am trying to solve a puzzle. And I just found a big piece…"

(from The Fugitive, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Gunnery Sgt Hartman (R. Lee Ermey): "Well, no shit. What do we have here, a fucking comedian! Private Joker! I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister!"

(from Full Metal Jacket, 1987)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray): "Back off, man. I'm a scientist."

(from Ghostbusters, 1984)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Richard Roma (Al Pacino): "You stupid fucking cunt. Hey, Williamson, I'm talking to you, shithead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That's right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it - asshole? You're fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men!"

(from Glengarry Glen Ross, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Will Hunting (Matt Damon): "Let the healing begin!"

(from Good Will Hunting, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Grandpa Fred (Robert Prosky): "Creature what is it that you want?"
Brain Gremlin (Frank Randall): "Fred, what we want is, I think, what everyone wants, and what you and your viewers have: civilization."
Grandpa Fred: "Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of?"
Brain Gremlin: "The niceties, Fred. The fine points: diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition... that's what we're reaching toward. Oh, we may stumble along the way, but civilization, yes. The Geneva Convention, chamber music, Susan Sontag. Everything your society has worked so hard to accomplish over the centuries, that's what we aspire to; we want to be civilized. I mean, you take a look at this fellow here. (A bibbling Gremlin wanders onto the set wearing a daft hat. He shoots him in the head). Now, was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no sense civilized!"

(from Gremlins 2: The New Batch, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Martin Blank (John Cusack): "I was hired to kill you. But I'm not going to. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or I have a newfound respect for life."
[In pursuing car]
Mr. Grocer (Dan Aykroyd): "That punk's either in love with that guy's daughter or he's got a newfound respect for life."

(from Grosse Pointe Blank, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford): (Dressed as a ticket inspector, to a planeful of passengers after hurling a Nazi out of the window) " – No ticket!"

(from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lowell Bergman (Al Pacino): "And Jeffrey Wigand, who's out on a limb, does he go on television and tell the truth? Yes. Is it newsworthy? Yes. Are we gonna air it? Of course not. Why? Because he's not telling the truth? No. Because he is telling the truth, and the more truth he tells, the worse it gets!"

(from The Insider, 1999)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Jay (Jason Mewes): (To Silent Bob) "Fuck you, Fatty."

(from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 2001)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Jack Robin (Al Jolson): " - Mammy, don't ya know me? It's your little baby! (Singing) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, my ma-a-a-ammy!"

(from The Jazz Singer, 1927)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Louis Mazzini (Dennis Price): "I shot an arrow in the air; she fell to Earth in Berkeley Square."

(from Kind Hearts and Coronets, 1949)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks): "Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING?! – There's no crying in baseball!"

(from A League of Their Own, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Frank 'T.J.' Mackey (Tom Cruise): "I swear to God, I will drop-kick those fuckin' dogs if they come anywhere near me."

(from Magnolia, 2000)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dolores (Kathleen Turner): (looking at book) "The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet".
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr (Steve Martin): "He wrote 'In Dillan's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' (Reading) "O pointy birds, o pointy pointy; anoint my head – anointy-nointy."

(from The Man With Two Brains, 1983)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

The Mask (Jim Carrey): (Making balloon animals) "For you, sir... a poodle!" (He then pops it and it deflates) …Sorry son, dog was rabid, had to put it down."

(from The Mask, 1994)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

James St. James (Emilio Estevez): "Have you seen my gloves, amigo?"
Carl Taylor (Charlie Sheen): " – In the… glove compartamente?!"

(from Men at Work, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen): "Nice beaver."
Jane (Priscilla Presley): "Thanks. I just had it stuffed."

(from The Naked Gun, 1988)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen): "I like my sex like I like my basketball… one-on-one, with as little dribbling as possible."

(from The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Junior (Michael Oliver): "Not the nuns... NOT THE NUNS!!!"

Also:

Junior: (Upon being presented with his first taste of "managing money", a one-dollar allowance) "A buck? How do you manage a buck?!"

(from Problem Child, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dewey Finn (Jack Black): "Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?"
Frankie (Angelo Massagli): "Doesn't that mean you're drunk?"
Dewey Finn: "No! It means that I was drunk yesterday!"

(from School of Rock, 2003)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Johnny 5 (Tim Blaney): "Hey, laser-lips! Your mama was a snow-blower!"

(from Short Circuit, 1986)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Charlie MacKenzie (Mike Myers): "Woman! Whoah, man… Whoooah, man! She was a thief, you got to believe; she stole my heart and my cat…"

Also:

Stuart MacKenzie (Mike Myers): "A'reet, now go give your mother a kiss or I'll kick your teeth in!"

(from So I Married an Axe Murderer, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher): "Will somebody get this great big walking carpet out of my way?!"
Han Solo (Harrison Ford): "No reward is worth this…"

(from Star Wars, 1977)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Mikey Livingston (Jonathan Osser): "Consuelo, what is rape exactly?"
Consuelo (Lupe Ontiveros): "It is when you love someone and they don't love you, and you decide to do something about it."

(from Storytelling, 2001)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

General Zod (Terence Stamp): "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!"

(from Superman II, 1980)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Michael Corben (Richard Grieco): "I'll nail your ass to the wall!"

(from Teen Agent, 1991)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox): "GIVE ME - A KEG - OF BEER!"

(from Teen Wolf, 1986)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Casey Jones (Elias Koteas): " – Cricket?"
Raphael (Josh Pais): "Cricket?! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand Cricket!"

(from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Timothy Evans (John Hurt): "But... it was Christie done it!"

(from 10 Rillington Place, 1973)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Network Executive (Philip Baker Hall): "For God's sake, Chris! The whole world is watching. We can't let him die in front of a live audience!"
Christof (Ed Harris): "Why not? He was born in front of a live audience…"

(from The Truman Show, 1998)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Scott Turner (Tom Hanks): "Don't eat the car! Not the car! Oh, what am I yelling at you for, you're a dog!"

(from Turner and Hooch, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea): "Open the pod bay doors, HAL…"
HAL 9000 Computer: "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that…"

(from 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Buck Russell (John Candy): (To High School Principal with large wart) "Take this quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!"

Also:

Buck: (To drunken Clown) "Get in your mouse, and get out of here."

(from Uncle Buck, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Fenster (Benicio del Toro): "Han' me-uh keys, you fu'in co'sucker!"

(from The Usual Suspects, 1995)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Glen (Ed O'Neill): "Why is it that if you kill a man in the heat of battle, it's called heroic; but if you kill a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?"

(from Wayne's World, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Withnail (Richard E. Grant): "Don't you threaten me with a dead fish!"

(from Withnail & I, 1987)

LESSONS LEARNED

1) Hell hath no fury like Pacino scorned.
2) Harrison Ford gives good growl and is the only man who can get away with talking back to the President of the United States.
3) An artless quote from Jason Mewes is worth ten Brando monologues.
4) Never underestimate a film starring John Ritter.
5) The 1980s is a veritable treasure-trove of great quotes from suspect movies.

Your additional contributions are welcome...


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