August 28, 2005

The outsiders are gathering, a new day is born…

Writing about Did we miss anything? from Erm... oh ok

WARNING! GEEKISH MEANDERINGS AHEAD.


to Rick for his excellent entry on R.E.M.'s seminal debut album Murmur. In response I've been inspired to update my previous entry on the band's canon (for oh yes, 'tis mighty indeed), which you can view here.

Exchange of the weekend -

The Ballard: (upon stumbling into a viewing of the band's latest promo videos in our living room) "Christ alive, how much R.E.M. can you take?!"
The Carter: " - Is that a challenge?!"


August 25, 2005

Seriously, guys, let's make a concerted effort to…

Do something for the good of the world today.


We are the funniest people ever

That's right. It's official.


[Please note: spending inordinate amounts of time with The Ballard may induce wearing of suspect shirts.]


August 24, 2005

HUGE CHUFFING TRUCKS CRUSH SMALL CHUFFING CARS WITHOUT REASON OR MERCY!

"YAYYYY-UHHH!", as Metallica are wont to intone.

That's right, kids. Last Sunday marked the blackest of all sabbaths, a day of whimsy made resolutely good as myself, The Ballard and Shallmaster General ventured over to the N.I.A. in Birmingham to witness the awesome spectacle that is MONSTER JAM EUROPE.


[As you can see from this photo, these lumbersome Goliaths are simply too awesome for a regular camera to keep up with!]

Now, despite Ballard's ridiculously-oversized biceps, anyone who knows us half a damn will realise that we are in fact the feyest of the fey - they'll be no macho posturing from these three wimp-ass mo'fos right here, no no. However, sometimes you have to just let go and unleash your inner redneck - and so, here is the story of how the sight of several oversized vehicles turned us into ABSOLUTE FUCKING HOLLERING NEANDERTHALS FOR TWO HOURS. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!

After several minutes of having the rules explained to us by a baseball-hatted commentator hell-bent on twatting about the track like Charles Bronson on a suicide watch (I mean, rules? What rules?! Bring out the huge fucking trucks!), out boomed the noise we'd all been waiting for: the indomitable sound of GARBLE-VOICED ANNOUNCER BLOKEY. This sonic behemoth certainly didn't disappoint the roaring masses as he proceeded to let fly with the order of the day in his punishing mangled tones, the mealy-mouthed meanderings coming off like nothing short of the baddest of the bad from Tim Burton's remake of Planet of the Apes. YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!

And then – oh yes – in a hail of hell-thunder not heard since the raucous bowel-eruptions of a post-curry Satan, OUT CAME THE FUCKING TRUCKS. The contenders…

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –


EL TORO LOCO (like a bull in a fucking china shop alright…)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –


ESCALADE (this built-like-a-Yorkie-esque effort has apparently been modelled on one of Venom's vehicles from the 1980s cartoon classic M.A.S.K. …)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –


GRAVE DIGGER (rest assured, you won't find this fearsome fucker anywhere near a Shakespeare play…)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –


MADUSA (piloted by the lone female driver in the competition, allegedly the Monster Truck Freestyle World Champion. However, I suspect that this may be a fiction, as we saw little-to-no evidence of her prowess.)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –


MONSTER MUTT (don't be fooled. Although replete with crap tail and floppy tongue which render it distinctly reminiscent of the car from Dumb & Dumber, this bad-boy's all bite and a fair bit of bark…)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –


SUPERMAN (faster than a speeding bullet, and quite clearly capable of deflecting the entire arsenal of the United States Army!)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

That's right. Several tons of pure titanium beastliness. And what did they do? They CRUSHED A BUNCH OF FUCKING CARS TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIFE. Alright!

During the wanton auto carnage which followed, one particular driver emerged as the star of the show: Carl Van Horn in the mighty Grave Digger. This brutal mastodon quickly claimed the tournament as his own, strutting about like he owned the fucking place to a perpetual soundtrack of George Thorogood & The Destroyers' rifftastic swamp-boogie Bad To the Bone. Indeed, despite the resolutely stingey marks doled out by the day's designated judges (apparently a father and his two kids - though quite how these people became qualified to pass judgement on the kind of awesomeness witnessed at this event is beyond me), each of the drivers distinguished themselves with a display of dirt-pummelling virtuosity not seen since The Blues Brothers pulled one of those handbrake parking manoeuvres in the shit film of the same name. Fucking topper! (Even if we couldn't make out a word they were saying behind those incomprehsible Southern accents, eerily reminiscent of Boomhauer from King of the Hill).

After a brief intermission, the pit-techs then wheeled out the mother of all ramps for a choice bit of AWESOME FUCKING MOTOCROSS ACTION. Following the obligatory self-aggrandising intro, the bikers swiftly took to the platform, and what did they do? They LEAPED OFF THEIR BIKES IN MID-AIR AND FUCKING GOT BACK ON AGAIN BEFORE LANDING. Yessss!

By this point, the three of us were naturally on the verge of total apoplexy, delightedly beating our thighs like masturbatory monkeys and dribbling all over each other. However, nothing could have quite prepared us for what followed next. Squealing like a chainsaw in a high-pitched ruckus with Rosie Perez, out shot the incendiary ear-wrecking pipsqueak that is ARMAGEDDON. "To do what?" though, I hear you cry. To which I say - to SPEW FLAMES FROM ITS EXHAUST LIKE THE FUCKING BATMOBILE! Holy auto pyromania, Batman!

The final two events were the inimitable 'Donut' and 'Freestyle' rounds. The latter was simply a display of how much destruction the beasts could wreak within the space of a minute. But the former? A magnificent excuse to make them all SPIN IN FUCKING CIRCLES, kicking up DUST LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Have it!


[Note: genuine photo not piked off the internet]

By this point, we were worked up into such a frenzy that when Grave Digger was pronounced the day's victor we were able to utter only gruff monosyllables which translated into something resembling a gorilla's orgasm. Having been whipped into a sufficiently incoherent motorsport-induced frenzy, we then capped off the day in the only way that seemed appropriate: we got ourselves MONSTER JAM FUCKING T-SHIRTS. That's right!

As can be evidenced from this historic pictoral document, we are quite clearly THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER LIVED. Respect!


July 28, 2005

Apparently this is genuine…

Many thanks to the delicious Shallmeister for alerting me to the presence of this humdinger in Notting Hill tube station recently…


July 22, 2005

"Let us quote", as the good lord once said…

Now then, now then...

Don't you just hate it when magazines run lists of the all-time greatest movie quotes and just get it all wrong? You know the drill - you start fingering their crisp, seductive pages with the highest of hopes but before long they're giving you "I coulda been a contender", "Are you talkin' to me?!" and "Here's looking at you, kid" with all the imagination of a pre-op Charley from Flowers For Algernon. Well, no more!

Here they are, kids – the real bad-boys, the only ones you'll ever need, the zingers that escaped the tastemakers but have somehow entered into pop-culture lore on the sly (plus a couple from Problem Child). Peruse, divulge, enjoy and – of course – regurgitate them endlessly until they basically lose all meaning and simply become another part of your everyday lexis.

In alphabetical order, according to title…

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

President Marshall (Harrison Ford): "Get – off – my – plane!"

(from Air Force One, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Capt. Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves): "Joey… have you ever been in a Turkish prison?"

(from Airplane!, 1978)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Ash (Ian Holm): "You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? A perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility."

(from Alien, 1979)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale): (to two bemused hookers) "Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album - 'Duke'. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy. Too intellectual. It was on 'Duke' where, ah, Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think 'Invisible Touch' is the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility, yet at the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums.

– Christy, take off your robe.

Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument.

– Sabrina, remove your dress.

In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, and sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to 'Land of Confusion'. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. 'In Too Deep' is the most moving pop song of the 1980s about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting; and lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, ah, anything I've heard in rock.

– Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.

Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial, and therefore more satisfying in a narrower way. Especially songs like 'In the Air Tonight' and, ha! 'Against All Odds'.

– Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it.

But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group than as a solo artist – and I stress the word, artist. This is 'Sussudio'. A great, great song. A personal favourite…"

(from American Psycho, 2000)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Defence Counsel Arthur Kirkland (Al Pacino): "That man is guilty! That man, there, that man is a slime! He is a slime! If he's supposed to go free, then something really wrong is goin' on here!"
Judge Rayford (Jack Warden): "Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order!"
Kirkland: You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole trial is out of order! (Then, while being dragged out of court by police officers) …I just completed my opening statement!"

(from ...And Justice For All, 1979)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Capt. Willard (Martin Sheen): "Charging someone with murder in this place was like arresting someone for speeding at the Indy 500…"

(from Apocalyse Now, 1979)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Austin Powers (Mike Myers): "You didn't happen to see..." (Observing blind man's white stick) "...Anything at all."

(from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Buford Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson): "Manure… I hate manure!"

(from Back to the Future Part III, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Coop (Trey Parker): "I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!"
Reemer (Matt Stone): "Dude!"
Coop: "Dude!"
Reemer: "Dude!"
Coop: "Dude!"
Reemer: "Dude!"
[Coop looks shocked]
Reemer: "Dude..."
Coop: "...I see your point."

(from BASEketball, 1998)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

The Joker (Jack Nicholson): "Never rub another man's rhubarb!"

(from Batman, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Serge (Bronson Pinchot): "Ack-well?! – Ackwell Fo-leeey?!"

(from Beverly Hills Cop III, 1994)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Elderly Woman (Robyn Hilton): (While being punched repeatedly by thugs) "Have you ever seen such cruelty?!"

Also:

Governor William J. LePetomane (Mel Brooks): "Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph! – Hey! I didn't get a 'harrumph' out of that guy!"

Also:

Buddy Bizarre (Dom DeLuise): "Cut, cut, this is a closed set!"
Taggart (Slim Pickens): "Piss on you – I'm working for Mel Brooks!"

Also:

Sheriff Bart (Cleavon Little): (To two members of the KKK) "Hey, where are all the white women at?!"

(from Blazing Saddles, 1974)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Banky Edwards (Jason Lee): "Now that, my friend – is a 'shared moment'."

(from Chasing Amy, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

President Bennett (Donald Moffatt): "How dare you come in here and lecture me! I am the President of the United States!"
Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford): "How dare you, sir…"

(from Clear and Present Danger, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Alex (Malcolm McDowell): "I was cured, all right..."

(from A Clockwork Orange, 1971)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey): "Alright, alright, alright! I love those redheads!"

(from Dazed and Confused, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood): "When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy."
Mayor (John Vernon): "Intent? How did you establish that?"
Callahan: "Well, when a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he ain't out collecting for the Red Cross…"

(from Dirty Harry, 1971)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Mister Senor Love Daddy (Samuel L. Jackson): "Whoa! Y'all take a chill! You got to cool that shit off! And that's the double-truth, Ruth!"

(from Do the Right Thing, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Pep Streebeck (Tom Hanks): "Well, Muzz – I guess it just you, and me… your balls… and this drawer."

(from Dragnet, 1987)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx): (Singing) "If any form of pleasure is exhibited / Report to me and it will be prohibited / I put my foot down, so shall it be – this is the land of the free! / The last man nearly ruined this place, he didn't know what to do with it / If you think this country's bad off now, just wait til I get through with it!"

(from Duck Soup, 1933)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Peg Boggs (Dianne Wiest): (Applying make-up to Edward) "The light-concealing cream goes on first... and then you blend, and blend, and blend. Blending is the secret. Mm-hm... More concealing cream... You know, your complexion is so fair... that this is a touch of lavender in it! Let's give it a try here... close enough. Okay, this should do the trick here... (Observing his purple face) Huh... - I have another idea. We'll cover up the scars, and start with a completely smooth surface. (Wrestling with stodgy concoction) ...Darn this stuff…!"

(from Edward Scissorhands, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lucas (Rory Cochrane): (Upon losing the day's takings at a roulette table) "I wonder if I'll be held responsible for this?!"

(from Empire Records, 1996)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

John Kruger (Arnold Schwarzenegger): (To an alligator he's just blown away) " – You're luggage!"

(from Eraser, 1996)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

D-Fens (Michael Douglas): " - I'm the bad guy?!"

(from Falling Down, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Nicholas Pike (Michael Nader): "Who are you? Where did you come from?"
The Flash (John Wesley Shipp): "I came from you, Pike! You made me..."

(from The Flash, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) "I'm not trying to solve a puzzle here, Richard."
Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford): "Well I am trying to solve a puzzle. And I just found a big piece…"

(from The Fugitive, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Gunnery Sgt Hartman (R. Lee Ermey): "Well, no shit. What do we have here, a fucking comedian! Private Joker! I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister!"

(from Full Metal Jacket, 1987)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray): "Back off, man. I'm a scientist."

(from Ghostbusters, 1984)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Richard Roma (Al Pacino): "You stupid fucking cunt. Hey, Williamson, I'm talking to you, shithead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That's right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it - asshole? You're fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men!"

(from Glengarry Glen Ross, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Will Hunting (Matt Damon): "Let the healing begin!"

(from Good Will Hunting, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Grandpa Fred (Robert Prosky): "Creature what is it that you want?"
Brain Gremlin (Frank Randall): "Fred, what we want is, I think, what everyone wants, and what you and your viewers have: civilization."
Grandpa Fred: "Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of?"
Brain Gremlin: "The niceties, Fred. The fine points: diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition... that's what we're reaching toward. Oh, we may stumble along the way, but civilization, yes. The Geneva Convention, chamber music, Susan Sontag. Everything your society has worked so hard to accomplish over the centuries, that's what we aspire to; we want to be civilized. I mean, you take a look at this fellow here. (A bibbling Gremlin wanders onto the set wearing a daft hat. He shoots him in the head). Now, was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no sense civilized!"

(from Gremlins 2: The New Batch, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Martin Blank (John Cusack): "I was hired to kill you. But I'm not going to. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or I have a newfound respect for life."
[In pursuing car]
Mr. Grocer (Dan Aykroyd): "That punk's either in love with that guy's daughter or he's got a newfound respect for life."

(from Grosse Pointe Blank, 1997)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford): (Dressed as a ticket inspector, to a planeful of passengers after hurling a Nazi out of the window) " – No ticket!"

(from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lowell Bergman (Al Pacino): "And Jeffrey Wigand, who's out on a limb, does he go on television and tell the truth? Yes. Is it newsworthy? Yes. Are we gonna air it? Of course not. Why? Because he's not telling the truth? No. Because he is telling the truth, and the more truth he tells, the worse it gets!"

(from The Insider, 1999)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Jay (Jason Mewes): (To Silent Bob) "Fuck you, Fatty."

(from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 2001)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Jack Robin (Al Jolson): " - Mammy, don't ya know me? It's your little baby! (Singing) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, my ma-a-a-ammy!"

(from The Jazz Singer, 1927)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Louis Mazzini (Dennis Price): "I shot an arrow in the air; she fell to Earth in Berkeley Square."

(from Kind Hearts and Coronets, 1949)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks): "Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING?! – There's no crying in baseball!"

(from A League of Their Own, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Frank 'T.J.' Mackey (Tom Cruise): "I swear to God, I will drop-kick those fuckin' dogs if they come anywhere near me."

(from Magnolia, 2000)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dolores (Kathleen Turner): (looking at book) "The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet".
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr (Steve Martin): "He wrote 'In Dillan's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' (Reading) "O pointy birds, o pointy pointy; anoint my head – anointy-nointy."

(from The Man With Two Brains, 1983)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

The Mask (Jim Carrey): (Making balloon animals) "For you, sir... a poodle!" (He then pops it and it deflates) …Sorry son, dog was rabid, had to put it down."

(from The Mask, 1994)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

James St. James (Emilio Estevez): "Have you seen my gloves, amigo?"
Carl Taylor (Charlie Sheen): " – In the… glove compartamente?!"

(from Men at Work, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen): "Nice beaver."
Jane (Priscilla Presley): "Thanks. I just had it stuffed."

(from The Naked Gun, 1988)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen): "I like my sex like I like my basketball… one-on-one, with as little dribbling as possible."

(from The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Junior (Michael Oliver): "Not the nuns... NOT THE NUNS!!!"

Also:

Junior: (Upon being presented with his first taste of "managing money", a one-dollar allowance) "A buck? How do you manage a buck?!"

(from Problem Child, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dewey Finn (Jack Black): "Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?"
Frankie (Angelo Massagli): "Doesn't that mean you're drunk?"
Dewey Finn: "No! It means that I was drunk yesterday!"

(from School of Rock, 2003)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Johnny 5 (Tim Blaney): "Hey, laser-lips! Your mama was a snow-blower!"

(from Short Circuit, 1986)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Charlie MacKenzie (Mike Myers): "Woman! Whoah, man… Whoooah, man! She was a thief, you got to believe; she stole my heart and my cat…"

Also:

Stuart MacKenzie (Mike Myers): "A'reet, now go give your mother a kiss or I'll kick your teeth in!"

(from So I Married an Axe Murderer, 1993)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher): "Will somebody get this great big walking carpet out of my way?!"
Han Solo (Harrison Ford): "No reward is worth this…"

(from Star Wars, 1977)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Mikey Livingston (Jonathan Osser): "Consuelo, what is rape exactly?"
Consuelo (Lupe Ontiveros): "It is when you love someone and they don't love you, and you decide to do something about it."

(from Storytelling, 2001)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

General Zod (Terence Stamp): "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!"

(from Superman II, 1980)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Michael Corben (Richard Grieco): "I'll nail your ass to the wall!"

(from Teen Agent, 1991)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox): "GIVE ME - A KEG - OF BEER!"

(from Teen Wolf, 1986)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Casey Jones (Elias Koteas): " – Cricket?"
Raphael (Josh Pais): "Cricket?! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand Cricket!"

(from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 1990)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Timothy Evans (John Hurt): "But... it was Christie done it!"

(from 10 Rillington Place, 1973)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Network Executive (Philip Baker Hall): "For God's sake, Chris! The whole world is watching. We can't let him die in front of a live audience!"
Christof (Ed Harris): "Why not? He was born in front of a live audience…"

(from The Truman Show, 1998)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Scott Turner (Tom Hanks): "Don't eat the car! Not the car! Oh, what am I yelling at you for, you're a dog!"

(from Turner and Hooch, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea): "Open the pod bay doors, HAL…"
HAL 9000 Computer: "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that…"

(from 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Buck Russell (John Candy): (To High School Principal with large wart) "Take this quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!"

Also:

Buck: (To drunken Clown) "Get in your mouse, and get out of here."

(from Uncle Buck, 1989)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Fenster (Benicio del Toro): "Han' me-uh keys, you fu'in co'sucker!"

(from The Usual Suspects, 1995)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Glen (Ed O'Neill): "Why is it that if you kill a man in the heat of battle, it's called heroic; but if you kill a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?"

(from Wayne's World, 1992)

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Withnail (Richard E. Grant): "Don't you threaten me with a dead fish!"

(from Withnail & I, 1987)

LESSONS LEARNED

1) Hell hath no fury like Pacino scorned.
2) Harrison Ford gives good growl and is the only man who can get away with talking back to the President of the United States.
3) An artless quote from Jason Mewes is worth ten Brando monologues.
4) Never underestimate a film starring John Ritter.
5) The 1980s is a veritable treasure-trove of great quotes from suspect movies.

Your additional contributions are welcome...


July 21, 2005

I just discovered POSSIBLY THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

…and now you too (yes, that's you, motherhubbard!) can take part by CLICKING RIGHT HERE.

According to this marvellous piece of hi-tech gadgetry (presumably constructed from a twinkie wrapper, a blow-torch and a few elastic bands), the member of The A-Team I am most like is the smart-mouthed quipmeister, part-time Aquamaniac and full-time on-the-jazz renegade wiley-cat this is Lt. Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith. Well pass the cigar, pal – I fucking LOVE IT when a plan comes together.


"Nice".


June 21, 2005

(Drumroll, flourish of lights): It's… THE ALL–NEW TOP B TOP 40 2005

You came, you saw, you voted. And then we played 'em back-to-back in what can only be described as one of the most off-the-hook nights this Union's seen in years. Alright!

[Of course, no rundown of this list would be complete without a smug boast claiming a major victory for including a more diverse range of music at Union events with the shock emergence of R.E.M. at number 11. I think this just goes to prove that there is a huge untapped resource of songs out there that may not have previously been considered "Top B Music" but which may just have opened the floodgates…]

Anyway, that Top 40 countdown in full –

40) Electric Six – "Gay Bar"
39) Chumbawamba – "Tubthumping"
38) Jet – "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"
37) No Doubt – "Just a Girl"
36) Red Hot Chili Peppers – "By the Way"
35) Bowling For Soup – "Girl All the Bad Guys Want"
34) Busted – "Year 3000"
33) Guns'n'Roses – "Paradise City"
32) Reef – "Place Your Hands"
31) Razorlight – "Golden Touch"
30) Eric Prydz – "Call On Me"
29) Basement Jaxx – "Oh My Gosh"
28) McFly – "Obviously"
27) The Beatles – "Twist & Shout"
26) Girls Aloud – "Love Machine"
25) Backstreet Boys – "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)"
24) Gorillaz – "Feel Good Inc."
23) Prodigy – "Out of Space"
22) Tony Christie – "(Is This the Way to) Amarillo?"
21) The Wannadies – "You & Me Song"
20) Ocean Colour Scene – "The Day We Caught the Train"
19) Hanson – "MmmBop!"
18) Darude – "Sandstorm"
17) The Futureheads – "Hounds of Love"
16) Goldfinger – "99 Red Balloons"
15) Phantom Planet – "California"
14) Feeder – "Buck Rogers"
13) Coldplay – "Yellow"
12) Team America OST – "America, Fuck Yeah"
11) R.E.M. – "Losing My Religion"
10) Green Day – "American Idiot"
9) Armand Van Helden – "My, My, My"
8) Muse – "Plug In Baby"
7) Britney Spears – "Toxic"
6) N-Trance – "Set You Free"
5) Franz Ferdinand – "Take Me Out"
4) Oasis – "Don't Look Back In Anger"
3) Faithless – "Insomnia"
2) Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody"
1) The Killers – "Mr. Brightside"

And the MIDNIGHT POUNDER OF POUNDERS 04-05? Chesney be damned – that'd be "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers…

W.S.A.F. post-Fashion Show Party tonight in The Cooler from 10pm-2am, then the End of Term Beach Party from 9pm-3am on Friday. Otherwise, Baby B over the summer or I'll see you next year, kids!

June 17, 2005

Vote for the ALL-NEW TOP B TOP 40 2005!

- Hear me now!

Well folks, it's that time in the term when we roll out the manifesto and ask YOU the punters to vote for this year's TOP B TOP 40.

[Fanfare, explosions, etc.]

Now then! James and I have compiled a shortlist of the 100 songs we feel are best representative of the music policy for the new Top B, from which you're able to select your favourite five. The thinking behind the selection process was "out with the old guard, in with the new" – we're trying to set the agenda for next year's Top B so that the new intake of Freshers will be able to get a better idea of what the event is about.

These are the songs which have either been requested most throughout the last couple of terms or have gone down the best when played. So nope, there's no Chesney (you didn't dance hard enough to his new single the other week to save him from the axe, remember?) Nope, there's no S Club. In fact, there's not even a whiff of last year's winners, cock-rockin' flash-in-the-pan favourites The Darkness (a band who've managed to muster one request all year – they've been missed, it would seem…)

So without further ado, CLICK THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE AND YOU'RE AWAY!

– Failing that, we'll see y'all on Monday night for the countdown!

You know it makes sense...


June 10, 2005

No sooner were the following words written here…

"...what narks me more than anything is when a great band with the clear potential for mainstream appeal… just get completely overlooked and are forced to break up, which deprives the rest of us of their work. When their music means so much to you as a fan, I just find it such a fucking shame, and so hopefully you'll forgive my anger at those people whose ignorance breeds this kind of apathy and robs genuinely great musicians of their ability to get heard"

– then this goes and happens.

Christ alive, what a desperately grim day for British music. SIX.BY SEVEN were one of the nation's most consistently fascinating and vital bands and it's a sad indictment of many people's apathy that they went largely unnoticed during their eight years making music. They stood head and shoulders above all the depthless indie fashionistas for their intelligence, honesty and integrity, and their third album - 2002's The Way I Feel Today (go buy it) – remains not just the best record of its year, but also one of the most passionate and ferocious statements of musical intent to emerge from this fair isle in the last decade. They will be sorely missed.

I'll leave the last word to one fan on the band's messageboard, who had this to say:

"if the world was too ragingly stupid to listen then it's not your fault, but I guess the banging of heads against brick walls had to stop somewhere".

DAMN YOU, BRITISH RECORD-BUYING PUBLIC!


"Aw, bugger...


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