November 07, 2005

Today has been odd

Today I awoke somewhat groggy following yesterday's choral competition. Peterborough, as usual, had some damned awful adjudicator who was a general arse. Seriously, I expect he writes on his passport application "Occupation; Arse". Angered me. Apologies to all of those around me who had to suffer my stroppiness, especially Graham, whom I practically shouted at just because he was listening to music.

I found myself unable to drag myself out of bed, and lay there with that 'guilty-not bothered really-lethargic-oh God I'll need to catch up even more later on' feeling when you realise you're going to miss a lecture, but still did nothing about it and carried on lying there, thinking. I do most of my best thinking when I'm in bed, having just woken up.

Eventually forced myself into the shower, which was only lukewarm, and full of mould. I hate student accommodation; apparently, doing a degree means you are entitled to live in poverty. Anyway, finished shower, dried hair, straightened hair… Usual things.

Read Lorna's entry, and felt uplifted, if not envious, of her decision making ability. Then things started going wrong.

Card was rejected at Tesco – have 4 of your English pounds to sustain myself until I get paid, with Barclaycard bill looming ominously. Went home and managed to scrape together enough money to catch the bus, feeling a little worried, but excited at seeing people who I wanted to see on campus. Was half an hour late, but then had fun.

Now I feel funny. In an empty, unfulfilled way. Have been listening to Coldplay all night, as the words seem strangely fitting to my mood;

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

Oh God I hope I'm not in another depressive spiral. I think by now I can talk myself out of them, but it's so hard sometimes. I look to my friends who I know have been in exactly the same position, and they all seem to be doing ok now.

I often think back to what I would have been doing this time n years ago, and wonder how much I've achieved since then. If I were in Upper 6th now, I'd be talking to the people I've now lost touch with. I wouldn't be listening to Coldplay. I'd be taking pills and drinking Gin. Seems I havn't really achieved much.

Sorry.


- 4 comments by 3 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Hey Not sure what I want to say, but feel that I ought to say something. Or maybe I should offer a hug? Feel better and smile :)

    (And, if you want a musical remedy, I have the most jubilant Mozart opera with me Die Entfhrung aus dem Serail. Fizzy! It always makes me feel happy)

    08 Nov 2005, 00:06

  2. Thomas Henderson

    Ah Paul – you always get there first with the comments. Isn't the 'Ach, Belmonte' quartet from Die Entfhrung wonderful?
    Anyway Caroline – 'tis not surprising you feel like that if you listen to depressing music my dear. And you're not the only one to have their card rejected at Tesco either! Just remember that you are a very beautiful lady and even gay men want to get in your pants…

    08 Nov 2005, 00:23

  3. Christopher Hinds

    Hey Caroline,

    Sorry you've had a less than perfect day… it's not nice, but I extend to you a hug and the assurance that Coldplay is enough to depress anyone. Any time I've seen/spoken to you, you've been nothing short of fabulous and don't you let anyone else tell you otherwise.

    Thinking of you.

    Take care

    Chris xx

    08 Nov 2005, 01:37

  4. Hello my love.
    If you need to have a depressive moan, please please let me know. I'm here for you.
    Any whilst my entry yesterday may have been all happy Lorna, the one this morning certainly wasn't. Am also having a shit day at the moment.

    Pills and gin not the way forward, though. Perhaps you should join me in not drinking? See how you feel? I'm actually quite enjoying it at the moment.

    Lots and lots of love.

    Also thinking of you (you lucky girl)

    xx

    08 Nov 2005, 12:39


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