January
Was thrown into 2006 in Berlin, in some type of happy party, with fireworks, and Germans, but with more non-Germans audible. The mood was amicable and the group was large, although at times I slipped into my distant self. I wore tights underneath my trousers and the snow crunched under my boots. I moved away from silent, friendless student halls into a shared flat with proper people. Panicked at having to live with proper people, before realizing that actually, this is the best thing that’s happened to me in a while.
February
Watched my first Takashi Milke film. Went to Prague with my new housemates and friends, where I experienced what was back then the best party I’d ever seen: an underground, hardcore drum and bass rave. I got completely mashed, then enjoyed Prague city centre in those unofficial early hours, with a flicker of morning light filtering through the darkness, battling with the neon, where the only people up are those working and resenting it, or rowdy groups still playing out on the streets after a long night’s party. There’s nothing like confused carnage to mess you up whilst being sufficiently bacchanalian to give you the dose of freedom you need to keep going. Gave the worst presentation of my life: half way through I pretended to nearly faint to try and stop that excruciating ordeal. Vowed to never be so ill-prepared or downright stupid as to ever get into a similar situation, whilst admitting the unliklihood of me keeping that vow.
March
Visited a friend in Hanover, spend most of the time sleeping or drinking, but paid €15 for entrance into the world’s largest IT and telecommunications fair, CEBIT, an experience I would never have embraced were it not for new influences. Toured the North of Germany. Fell in love with Hamburg, wished I lived there. Saw a man carrying a suitcase full of cutlery and a gorgeous slim black girl smoking a joint whilst waiting for the subway. Accidentally ended up visiting a girl I didn’t know that well in Bremen and we ended up becoming friends: was just the shot of Britishness and understanding I (we both) needed. Told someone who didn’t mean anything to me that he didn’t mean anything to me and then started acting that way. Met my housemate’s girlfriend, and learned more about him just through meeting her than a whole bundle of conversations would’ve taught me. She told me the Greeks enter the Olympic stadium first, when the games are held, because of their historical status. Respected her a lot, though we clashed, occasionally, for what seemed like cultural reasons, or so my gut told me. Felt increasingly like the spoilt Westerner.
April
Went to the Filmfest Dresden: International Festival for Animation and Short Film. The ultimate night was the best, there were films worth waiting for: still, my housemates did it better, with their home-made, home-grown filmfest zu Hause. A pair of children destroyed their surroundings in a familiar childhood, abusing an idol from the stomach of a rabbit. Became Frau Fitton for the first time as I attempted to show a bunch of teenagers what a delightful language English is. Stood in front of a group of mocking kids who just didn’t give a damn, and were obnoxious as hell. Realized there is a distinct possibility of me falling into teaching were I not to find a better career path, and realized how God awful that would be. I started learning Chinese: something I mentioned more often at parties than did any work for. Went to a castle hidden away in folds of hills and steams for a long weekend of reflecting upon German Studies with the other Warwick students from my year. They fed us salmon. Spent one of my last hours there looking outwards towards the moon, the mist curling on the surrounding hills, and became intensely Romantic. Found out that next year there was going to be an absence of someone who inspired admiration, humanity, respect, fear in me, cried in front of her.
May
Started to spend time out-of-doors, particularly by the banks of the Elbe River, with Dresden’s skyline one side and the start of the Sächsische Schweiz on the other. Was visited by four Warwick friends, did not rise well to the challenge of being a hostess, or to the challenge of the incompatibility of my two groups of people. Was told that even in Berlin, the gay community faces much prejudice: a statement retracted five months later by the unsaid individual, alcohol and seesha had gone to his senses. Peed on the pavement next to a tram full of people at 2am; denied that this was unacceptable behaviour. Had a wonderful breakfast on a Sunday morning with my three girlfriends, the highlight of the visit: right on Alaunstraβe, at 10am, eyeing up a cute guy reading a paper opposite us, I proved beyond reasonable doubt that I cannot impersonate an American accent.
June
Persuaded the authorities to let me on a plane which allowed me back into the United Kingdom. Surprised my mother by drinking black coffee; this took on a metaphorical value for her as it represented my metamorphosis into a ‘European’. Returned to the Warwick bubble for a fleeting few days, whilst remaining separate from the bubble. Managed to almost completely severe a bond with someone: a bond that was already fragile, and teetering on strained. Took a step backwards into a relationship with another person, which either was or seemed like a good idea at the time. Not sure which. Made another girl cry and was happy about it, though the Schadenfreude really came after this month. Went to what is still now the best party of my life: open air psychedelic trance party in the middle of nowhere (well, Drebkau) with Goa Gil. By far the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen partying, and the best, wildest music. It won’t be beaten for a long, long time. Went for a bare-foot walk in the woods there. Was told: “Don’t be confused. BE CONFUSED”. Cried like a Mexican with my friend as we ate chilli. Danced until 2:30pm the following afternoon.
July
Started working for a summer school for people learning German. Got things wrong a lot of the time. Felt better about my German as it was superior to that spoken by people who’d been learning German for two weeks. Was flown to Scandinavia. ‘Es lebe der Feminismus’. Managed to do something slightly obscene without any drugs. Went to a psychedelic trance festival immediately afterwards, had a crazy week. Was told that I took too much, man. Was in agreement with this statement. Had an intense morning looking at giant grasshoppers in a deserted airbase, whilst thinking about Catch-22 and holding on to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Was told it’s not healthy to always be looking for Falk. Saw an internal fear expressed on someone’s face with a clarity one normally only sees in well-made horror films. Saw the beginning of something I wanted to go further with. Was told that all Americans are ignorant and all Brits are arrogant. Went to the Bundesrepublik Neustadt, the best festival in Dresden. Was told that if I liked it there I would like it in China.
August
…was a long month. Saw the skyscrapers of Krankfurt, the Rhine of Köln, the splendour of München. Things were coming to an end in Dresden, it was quite final. It rained a lot and the rain reminded me of Wales. Whether the rain was like Welsh rain or whether it was just all in my head, well, I know what Vojo would say. I tried to read a lot but the words stayed flat on the page and did nothing in my mind. A nice girl caught my attention: she was from Nottingham but looked like she was Czech. Was told by a Russian boy who was arrogant as hell and didn’t have a clue about anything that I always say shit about my country and I shouldn’t. Maybe he did have a clue about that, but he didn’t know a damn thing about anything else. Went to Berlin for four days with my mother: after one inevitable and giant row, we had a pleasant time. Ate out of ‘Mutter Hopper’, where a rat ran under all the guests’ tables. I visited the nearly-severed friend in Prague, who was there with her boyfriend. Had an awful time, so did they, but at least they had an awful time together. Went to Wroclav for a final fling with friends. There it was warm, full of light, and colourful. Got into a negative state of mind which I couldn’t shake, still don’t know why. Screwed that one up. Was given one of the nicest presents I’ve ever received: perfectly chosen for me as a person: “Ich hab’ das Fräulein Helen baden seh’n”. I realized I had done a million things wrong; I realized I had understood a thousand things wrong. I began to realize what was meant by: “They are good people”. I had a way to go. I got on a tram, a train, a bus, a plane, a bus, a train, and then walked around Stockholm. The flags were dangling from the streets, above which the sky was an unblemished blue, and everyone there was beautiful. Got on a ferry, where there was a casino, which was appropriate. Then we were in Tallinn, Estonia. Roll playing again: it was unsure who was Raoul and who was Gonzo. I had never realized how much I relied on BBC news, and how anti-communist Spiderman is. Tallinn looked like a clip from the Simpsons, then the animation from Monty Python, I could feel the lines of the buildings, I could feel them on the edge of my skin. The smells became sounds, the sounds became visions, and everything became a part of me. I became very distant at times, which was necessary, as much distance was going to follow this excursion. The Swedish archipelago is really very beautiful.
September
Came back to the British Isles. Spent two hours at Victoria station waiting for my coach: saw two drunken men being chucked out of a pub whilst I dared myself to eat absolutely nothing for as long as possible. Was pleasing for a short while to be able to do the British thing. Arrived in my home town at 4am, and walked over the bridge, looked down at the river where the moon was shinning: that self-same moon that shines just about everywhere. Saw a friend’s bitter disappointment, she is no longer emmigrating to New Zealand. Spent a quality week with my father, unexpectedly, and enjoyed it. Saw the Blackpool illuminations, and went up the tower, like you do. We had fish and chips. Plodded up to London to see my brother doing well. Afterwards there was only stagnancy, and confusion. Perhaps the worst month of the year, perhaps not. Felt as though everyone was happy and I wasn’t, how stupid. Counted down the days till I would be active again, at Warwick this time.
October
Moved into halls at Warwick. Shared three bottles of mock-champagne with my housemates. Stopped speaking to a friend who had gone a step too far. Saw two wonderful Shakespeare plays at Stratford and got more drunk on them than I have on copious amounts of vodka before. Became shockingly jubilant over my studies, and took zeal to a new level. Feared the zeal wouldn’t last so worked harder to make sure it would: is it really zeal if you do that? Was told that the members of ‘Team Shakespeare’ were going to guide me through my final year Shakespeare module, and through ever-changing dimensions of the ‘Shakespace’. Pretended to be German for a night; it worked. Spent a mistaken weekend getting to know the corporate side of myself: a side I’d always hoped didn’t exist. The weekend neither confirmed nor denied this suspicion: it did however make the horror more real to me. Which was really a good thing, as horror is no less real if it is not real to me.
November
Wore a suit at a careers event I co-organised. Told a member of the Conservative Party at Warwick I was the president of the Anarchy Society. Saw an all-male production of The Taming of the Shrew during which the lead, wearing a kinky red leather jacket adorned with handcuffs, fell on top of me. Was offered some noodles by the best actor in the play. Spent an entire Saturday afternoon lying on the floor of my room, doubting that I’d do anything worthwhile with my life, and knowing that this self-wallowing would do nothing to help me and was not necessary, but it felt as though I couldn’t move. Saw Bollywood Othello at the cinema: looked forward to it for six weeks.
December
Had two turkey dinners in two days, for which I did no cooking. Rekindled my love for the X-Files, watching them after eating stew: two activities I have not indulged in for a long time. Actually experienced a decent night at the union, some pretty wild drum and bass. Wrote a blog entry trying to explain away the last twelve months, during which I realised how impossible a task it is, to wholly recpature this formative year of mine, but still, had a bitterly-sweet poignant half-hour or so of recollection, and contemplation.
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23 Feb 2007 19:10
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So, how many "first posts" will be made on wednesday? Any guesses? Will the stats peak like a 7.2 on the Richter scale? Hopefully it won't be as tragic as I expect, although it would prove to be one of the few times my pessimism has let me down.
