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January 16, 2007

Cracker Watch – 6 months on

Follow-up to Cracker Watch from Draknek's Deprecated Devlog

Mairead, in her deluded fashion, has decided that a cracker, if left outside of a cracker jar, will eventually go mouldy.

Rather than pat her on the head and say, “Yes, deary,” (followed by running away quickly), I decided to prove her wrong in the greatest scientific experiment ever performed on a cracker.

That was 6 months ago. Our highly trained team of scientists have been examining the cracker in microscopic detail since then, and today I’m happy to announce that it is absolutely mould-free. Hopefully, my critics will realise their mistake and issue a full retraction shortly.

Here are the latest photos of the entirely mouldless cracker:

Cracker (top side) Cracker (bottom side)


September 19, 2006

Talk Like a Pirate Day 2006

That Hennell be a more untrustworthy swine than a thievin’ monkey covered in ale an’ set on fire! When I said ter him that me cracker be gone, he acted all helpful like, even makin’ me this here image fer me ter use. Course, I went and forgot it when I were writin’ me report, but I don’t be the slimey privateer o’ a weasel we be talkin’ about here. Tha’ lowdown dirty deceiver knew where me cracker was all along!

Serves ‘im right that he missed out on all the fun on the Monday, when a couple o’ mates o’ mine came round ter me cabin. He were off somewhere jumpin’ into water an’ stoppin’ people from drownin’, as if that be a useful skill fer a pirate! I be thinkin’ tha’ since his captain has only got the one eye, he be makin’ all the wrong people walk the plank. An’ then he be needin’ them ter be saved so he pushes Hennell in ter do tha’ fer him.

The rest o’ us, we spent our night takin’ over the world on a map. What were more suprisin’ than screamin’ crabs fallin’ from the sky was when Cabin Boy Pete won twice over (with the help o’ Stupid Fool o’ a Deckhand Chris). Then we played some kind o’ game runnin’ around London with paper dubloons, an’ I won it nicely. By this point it were gettin’ early, so we decided ter go visit the hummock fer dawn in Stupid Fool o’ a Deckhand Chris’s dinghy o’ the roads.

A hummock is sommat like a sand dune on an island yer might get marooned on, ‘cepting that it be bigger, and it ain’t made o’ sand, and it ain’t on an island. Alas, this particular hummock be badly placed ter see the dawn, so it weren’t so grand a sight as I were expectin’. We played a couple o’ games o’ Cheat while we were there, which Storesmaster Mairead the Bloody were mighty confused by. I took some photos, but most weren’t good enough ter show even ter the rat-infested corpse o’ a person.

When I got back ter me cabin, I slept fer a couple o’ hours an’ later went ter work me final shift at the Orpheus. Some say the place be haunted, but that be more ridiculous than a five-legged goat dressed up as a man an’ made ter dance. The ghosts people sometimes think they see, they be nothin’ more than customers! An’ customers be a lot better than ghosts, ‘cause if ye can persuade them ter see one o’ our god-awful films, then they pay yer fer it too!

On the Thursday, we met up fer various reasons, many of which were scuppered by Cabin Boy Pete not comin’ along. Stupid Fool o’ a Deckhand Chris scarpered later, wi’out even a goodbye. This left meself, Storesmaster Mairead the Bloody an’ Cracker Thievin’ Mutineer Hennell ter entertain ourselves by hopin’ fer a goat. When no goats appeared, we decided the next best thing would be ter see a film, but we disagreed about how god-awful it should be.

After much debate and no agreement, we went ter see Right at Yer Door rather than Little Man. Storesmaster Mairead the Bloody disliked it, but what do she know? I still be deciding whether I liked the endin’ or not, but it were mainly good.

More recently, I been workin’ on the Lord o’ the Hoops game. It be shapin’ up ter be an ARRR-some game, despite the lack o’ any pirates in it at all.

-

This be a fine entry, ter be sure, but I can’t be helpin’ the feelin’ that no matter the number o’ pirate entries I write, they’ll forever be in the shadow o’ sommat better. ‘Tis a sad thing, usin’ up all yer genius too soon. There be nowhere ter go but down, an’ down is where the water be.


September 10, 2006

Cracker Watch

Mairead, in her deluded fashion, has decided that a cracker, if left outside of a cracker jar, will eventually go mouldy.

Rather than pat her on the head and say, “Yes, deary,” (followed by running away quickly), I decided to prove her wrong in the greatest scientific experiment ever performed on a cracker.

And so began the arduous task of photographing the cracker. These photos were provided to the scientific community to examine and verify my results. So far, no scientist has found a trace of mould in these images.

However, before the project had even reached the two month mark, disaster struck. The cracker was missing from its fortified storage location. The guards, after extensive questioning, realised that they had not necessarily seen the cracker since its last test, two weeks prior.

Someone was a cracker-thief.

Someone who probably also answered my phone so that I wouldn’t find out that my juggling balls had arrived. That’s just the type of thing that a cracker-thief would do.

Suspect #1: Ian Hazelden

Look at that grin on his face. If that’s not the grin of a cracker-thief, I don’t know what is.

Ian has unparalleled access to the storage room, often wandering in for the sole purpose of annoying me. I am confident that he would happily eat the cracker, even if not particularly hungry. Ian was aware of the experiment, but this would not have stopped him from eating the cracker, and might even encourage him to do so.

Suspect #2: Mairéad

Look at that ugly grimace on her face. If that’s not the grimace of a cracker-thief, I don’t know what is.

Mairead has the most to lose from the cracker experiment’s conclusions. Disrupting it would keep herself from being proved wrong once again. She also bears several violent grudges against me, the most recent of which being when I completely destroyed her while playing Risk.

On at least two occasions, she has had easy access to the storage room.

Suspect #3: Christopher Hunter

Like Mairead, Chris had recently been humiliated in a game of Risk. However, he is unlikely to have taken this personally.

Being unaware of the cracker experiment, it is possible that he may have seen a tasty-looking (and non-mouldy) cracker lying about, and simply decided to eat it. This would not be out of character.

Since he left to go to work when everyone else stayed sleeping in the tent, he had fewer opportunities to eat the cracker than Mairead.

Suspect #4: Paul Hennell

Hennell was at least aware that there was something going on with the cracker, so is unlikely to have eaten it accidentally.

However, he might have eaten it in the hope that it would cure whatever illness he was suffering from on the trip to Hay-on-Wye. In this case, he might ignore the scientific value of the experiment for his own benefit.

This is not very likely, since to the best of my knowledge, crackers have no restorative healing powers.

Suspect #5: Peter Sparks

Pete probably didn’t eat or steal the cracker.


August 27, 2006

London

A few photos available here

Apart from the ridiculous idea of catching a coach at 7:00 in the morning, the day trip to London was fun.

We went to a prison where Jack Sheppard may or may not have escaped from.

I almost choked to death with Pete, Mairead and Hennell watching.

We went to Hyde Park and sat/wandered/chased Pete.

Then we went to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, where we became varying levels of wet. Most people refused to join in the how–long–can–you–hold–your–breath competition. Libby managed to pick up a £1 coin with some kind of freaky vacuum–mouth ability. Someone made a boat out of our tube map, which worked really well, but sadly decided to die when I finally got round to trying to record it.

Then we went to Harrods (mercifully for only a brief time) where I was very tempted to buy a Mac Mini. Hennell's suggestion that I tell everyone that I actually had bought one worked well, especially with Libby. I wish I had got one, now, just for how she would have reacted when I finally showed it to her.

On the coach, Libby took photos of people, most of them with their eyes shut. Everyone saw the ridiculous number of photos Ian has taken on my camera. Some highlights include 12 photos of Chris (taken over the span of about 2 minutes), 4 photos of a bottle of Fanta (this one is the craziest to me), and various photos of me sitting down and doing nothing interesting.

I sold Hennell a bread loaf/roll for 1p.

I solved all of Mairead's problems, but she didn't seem that happy about it. She was very ungrateful indeed.

Nothing quite as eventful happened as last year's trip, which had the brilliant where-to-eat disaster, some small explosions and of course, the whole missing the coach back thing. Pity really, but I guess if you want excitement, you have to stay for longer.

And this entry is finished within a week of the last one (by about an hour).


June 30, 2006

I wonder what I'd look like if I was a pumpkin…

Pumpkinface

Not very much like a pumpkin, apparently.


June 28, 2006

Bungee jump images

Gallery decided that it wanted to work after all.

June 20, 2006

Caption Competition


April 28, 2006

I wonder what I'd look like with green hair…

Front view Side view Profile view Back view

April 11, 2006

Random thoughts

Bra'tac was a schoolteacher in the Legend of Zorro.

"What happened to the letter G?" makes an okay April Fools joke, but would have made a better short film.

My hair is either just too long or just too short. Or much too long. I wonder what I'd look like bald...

It would be cool to have a house with only one room. You could have rope ladders allowing you to move up/down, and curtains to give some privacy to bedrooms and bathrooms. And you could have chairs attached to the walls on long poles. Potential downside: falling out of bed could be painful.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is an excellent film.

By this point in the holidays, I should have at least found the pieces of paper which tell me what work I have to do.

Do I let "me" define me? I should try to do something new or unusual at least once a week [during next term]. Only I can't really think of anything.

I should juggle more.

I seem to be incapable of going to bed before 2:00, or getting up before 12:00.

Google Local has better maps than something using the Google Maps API. Apparently though, if I use the next version of the API, I might get the better maps. I definitely think this needs to be done. Perhaps not until I'm back at university, though. Sidenote: you can just about see the pink caravan in our back garden at the highest zoom.


New blog location

After a hiatus of several years, I’ve started blogging again at blog.draknek.org.

My website

Looking for more information about Alan Hazelden? Follow me on Twitter or go to my website.

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