All 34 entries tagged Me Trying To Be Funny

Labour's staunchest ally

Writing about web page http://www.thankyoutony.com

He's besieged by the media over the cash–for–peerages row. His Deputy is accused of breaking the ministerial code. He's hated for sending troops to Iraq and Afghanistan. He's taken the wrap for cocking up the Home Office, and more than ever appears as Bush's poodle panting at the president's side. In fact, right now he'd get more votes on Pop Idol than in a general election.

But that's OK - the Americans love him

Dear Lord. Meanwhile in America.

: 22 Jul 2006 13:13 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny Politics Stupid People |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

I guess it gets boring in space…

Can't blame them really….

: 03 Jul 2006 16:26 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

A Political Question

Does David Cameron look like a lesbian?

: 30 Jun 2006 13:40 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny Politics |  Comments (7) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Crap Spam

So got a second email from a mysterious "postcard.com", telling me that someone who cares about me has sent me a postcard.

It went like this:

Hello friend!
You have just received a postcard from someone who cares about you!

This is a part of the message:
"Hy there! It has been a long time since I haven't heared about you!
I've just found out about this service from Claire, a friend of mine who also told me that…"

If you'd like to see the rest of the message click here to receive your animated postcard!

Now, other than the appalling, can-only-have-been-written-by-a-stupid-teenager spelling, the very idea that I might want to see how a sentence beginning "a friend of mine who also told me that…" might end, insults my intelligence.

Adam 1, Spam 0

: 18 Apr 2006 13:44 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

V for Viktor

So the preliminary results from the Ukrainian elections are seeping out, and it seems like there’s a clear victor: Viktor.

The other Viktor (who was the victor last year, defeating the new victor Viktor) despite strong campaigning has lost much of his popularity. He rode victoriously into power in the orange revolution, 12 months ago when the other Viktor (who’s now the new victor) allegedly poisoned Viktor.

A year on and the old Viktor who was defeated last year is the victor this year. He (Viktor) is claiming victory with just over 27% of the vote.

Interestingly we all thought the other Viktor (who was a victor just a year ago) would come a close second (no-one thought he’d be the victor this year). But instead, the rather attractive Yulia (who allegedly calls herself Viktor on weekends) who was Viktor’s Prime Minister until he fired her, (forcing her to start her own party vying for victory) came a close second with 23% of the votes. For the other Viktor, victory seems a long way off with just 16% of the vote.

“The party of the regions has won a convincing victory” Viktor told the assembled media.

: 28 Mar 2006 11:00 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny News Politics |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

A better ETA?

One of the international stories of interest last week was the announcement by the Basque separatist group ETA that as of Friday it would declare a permanent ceasefire and shift towards legal means of greater political control in Northern Spain and Southern France.

Two previous ‘permanent’ ceasefires each lasted less than a few months, making many Spanish people less than optimistic but ETA insists it means business this time.

In a recorded video message on Wednesday, three masked men, awkwardly resembling the Klu Klux Klan read out a message pressing to be politically acknowledged by both the French and the Spanish.

Eta has decided to declare a permanent ceasefire from March 24 2006. The object of this decision is to drive the democratic process in the Basque country in order to construct a new framework in which our rights as a people will be recognised

We reaffirm our commitment to continue to take steps towards this end. Here and now, it is possible to overcome the conflict. That is the desire and will of Eta.

The Spanish will be forgiven for their scepticism. Since its formation in 1959, ETA has killed over 800 people in a variety of terrorist activities, including bombings and targeted assassinations. The bloodiest year was 1980, when 118 people were killed. Quite rightly several people came out to remind everyone that the group shouldn’t be forgiven too quickly. One Spanish journalist and a target of ETA wrote that finally after many years she could go out for a walk this weekend without a parade of bodyguards. One woman also told the BBC about how she lost her brother to an ETA attack six years ago and only recently saw the perpetrator in prison.

Her fear, like many others, is that a term of negotiation – as we’ve seen in Northern Ireland – will be the release of imprisoned ETA activists. For the families of victims this is a terrible possibility.

Yet a poll by a commercial radio station in Spain this week suggested that 80% of people wanted Spanish Prez Rodriguez Zapatero to begin negotiations.

This is the latest in an increasing trend of politicised terror groups: the IRA, Hamas and ETA all have political realities now, giving politicians, who famously reject any negotiation with terrorism an interesting quandary. The question for many is ‘have ETA gotten better?’ Well, time will tell, and for the first few months at least, the Spanish will be most likely be cautious – there’s certainly no party on the streets.

Part of the problem, to me, is that the video message was hardly one of a group seriously ready to relinquish aggressive behaviour. Appearing behind three sinister looking masks which would scare small children doesn’t boost ones confidence in the group. By simply cutting the eye holes in the mask slightly differently an entirely more amiable look would be acheived (see my suggestion below).

Significantly as well, ETA aren’t ready to hand in those arms.

For many countries with problems like this, Northern Ireland has become the model, where prisoners were released – something which caused pain at the time but still helped to smooth things over.

: 27 Mar 2006 11:21 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny News |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

A new job for Viktor

This weeked, millions of Ukrainians went to the polls, just over a year since the Orange Revolution swept Viktor Yushchenko into power. 12 months on, and the support (and sympathy) that Yushchenko had seems to have diminished after economic decline, and ironically the guy he knocked from power might be returning after votes are counted this week.

Watching the coverage on the BBC, it occured to me that even though his presidential career might be over, Yushchenko could always get some work… News 24.

: 27 Mar 2006 11:10 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny News |  Comments (2) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Dear Polly

From: Adam Westbrook
To: polly.toynbee[at]guardian.co.uk

Subject: Toss

Dear Mrs Toynbee,

I'm writing to take issue with you over your most recent work in the Guardian on Friday, which can only be regarded as toss. You have a decent reputation, Mrs Toynbee, all be it as a bit of a Labour-lurver, but your column After Brown's Masterstroke... on Friday was nothing short of sucking off Gordon Brown in a proverbial manner (and we've all heard the rumour about him)

I will divulge. You begin by congratulating him on his budget this Wednesday gone:

For once his own side had reason to cheer as the all-conquering chancellor yet again pounded the opposition bench into dust

you said. Except it wasn't that good a budget was it Polly? Sure its promised a bit here and a bit there, kept the National Hell Service underwraps and kept all the teachers happy, but lets be honest it was hardly a "masterstroke".

Take for example, the environmental aspect – Gordon had a "green glint in his eye" you said. Tell that to the environmentalists who lamented how lame the budget really was. A £210 tax on big ass cars? Well think for a second Polly who buys big ass cars..big ass people, with big ass wallets, that's who. For them £210 goes past like a fart in the wind.

You cream yourself particularly over his education pledges. Yes, they were rather good weren't they, and I don't think anyone is complaining about more money for schools. I can tell the bit you liked most was where Gordy said he'd make every state school pupil as well off as a private school one.

…a masterstroke of poltical imagery. It hints at class war against the toffs and their privately educated children opposite without saying anything so vulgar.

Bravo, bravo. Except you have to admit Polly that the amount Gordon's given isn't big enough to make this happen, rising only to £8 billion by 2011. The bit I love most is how you content yourself with that:

True, Brown's extra schools budget money this year is puny, with no date set for that private school target, but a promise is a promise.

Yes, Polly, like Tony Blair promised not to impose top up fees for students, and just like Charles Clarke promised ID cards would be voluntary, a promise is a promise. But I suspect a Labour promise is different. In purely Labour terms, I promise I won't rank your columns alongside Lowri "However much I love my gay friends I don't want them running the country" Turner.

Yours with love
Adam

: 25 Mar 2006 21:46 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny News Politics |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Laughter guaranteed!!

Feeling blue? Groupwise getting you down? In need of a laugh? Well, I've just come (sic) across an activity that's sure to brighten your day! Follow my 4-step plan to guaranteed laughter:

1) Log onto Facebook (sorry, its required)

2) On the top masthead, click "global"

3) In the box type "wank"

4) Each of the 121 results that appear are guaranteed to make you pee a little.

That's right folks, Facebook is good for something other than asserting your popularity or stalking that girl in your lectures.

: 20 Mar 2006 20:58 |  Tags: Facebook ITS Me Trying To Be Funny Stupid People |  Comments (5) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Pandas should die

Awww look at the cuddly panda. But I’m being serious here. Pandas suck. They suck at the easiest thing, the one thing that every other species currently existing on earth has managed: surviving. Believe it or not, someone conducted a panda census, and besides the fact that 30% registered themselves as Jedi, the census showed that there were less than 1,000 giant pandas in existence. I say: let them die.

140 of these giant pandas live here – at the Wolong Nature Preserve. It’s a 500,000 square acre piece of land in China’s Sichuan Province, and 10% of the world’s pandas are cared for under the watchful eye of Dr Zhang Hemin. Dr Hemin and his team spend their entire time trying to get the pandas to breed: it’s a multi million dollar operation, but to what end?

The Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca), has issues in three vital areas of survival: eating, reproducing and caring for young.

Before you get all “man are destroying the panda’s habitat”, think again. Pandas are struggling to survive because they have a stupid diet: unlike every other animal on this planet, the Panda will eat only bamboo shoots and leaves. Naturally if you just eat one thing you’re gonna run out soon enough. On top of that, bamboo has the nutritional value of kitchen roll. If humans were dumb enough to eat only dish clothes we’d be on the verge on extinction. And you can bet there wouldn’t be any pandas running special breeding programmes for us.

Colby Loucks, a conservations scientist with the WWF, says there’s enough bamboo rich land for pandas, but it’s all broken up. "Imagine a broken cookie," he says. "Though there are several large protected chunks of land, there are also lots of small and isolated crumbs of habitat around the edges."

Loucks wants special conservation areas set up to join these fragmented pieces of land. Way too much effort for an animal that’s not going to meet its end of the bargain.

Believe it or not, Pandas are carnivores. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an animal so stupid, it doesn’t realise it can eat meat, and so the giant panda spends hours of its day chewing on bamboos, extracting a mere 20% of the nutrients from it. Why spend all this time creating special zones for pandas when they should just learn to vary their diet like the rest of us?

However, the hard part of Dr Zhang Hemin’s work isn’t feeding the pandas, its getting them to breed. And this is where the panda really shows how pathetic it is. OK, we all know survival ain’t easy – you gotta be tough to make it in this world, and every species on the planet has done so through adaptation to its environment, optimising its reproductive capacity.

Not so the giant panda. According to an article on National Geographic, male pandas “either show a serious lack of interest or are incompatible with the females and become aggressive.” Great job guys. Really playing for the team there. The females are just as bad, and ovulate for an incredibly lame 3 days in a year.

C’mon let’s face it people – these animals don’t want to survive.

Unfortunately and against all mathematical odds, some do make the effort and shag on the Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, or get artificially inseminated by those pesky scientists at the Wolong Nature Preserve.

But because of their piss poor diet, the offspring are massively malnutritioned at birth and come out looking like this – sorry, pink rags a mere 1/1000th of the size of their parents. Dr Zhang Hemin and his team have to survey the new mothers 24hours a day just to make sure they don’t roll over and squash their kids.

And get this – the parents are so lazy/stupid, the scientists are able to swap their offspring around if a mother rejects her child (yes, they do that too.) According to David Wildt, head of reproductive sciences at the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in Washington, "The mother doesn't even wake up—it's amazing."

Unbelievable. These animals can’t be arsed to mate, and when they do, they either sit on or ignore their offspring! Why are we spending millions of dollars keeping these useless balls of fur alive when they can’t be bothered to do it themselves?

Of course, we have to weigh up the other worrying consequences of loosing pandas from this earth – what will CBBC Newsround report on once they've gone? What will Cadburys-Schweppes name their brand of shandys?

I’m not proclaiming a mass cull, but I don’t see why we’re helping them. Let them stumble pathetically along life’s actually-quite-easy track, and when they trip up, let them hit the dust. When we stop paying them attention, then they’ll grow up and start acting like a species.

: 26 Jan 2006 20:49 |  Tags: Me Trying To Be Funny |  Comments (14) |  Close comments |  Report a problem